Crackfic!
by nutmegnote4u
Summary: Meredith and Derek love each other and their family, and their dog, Finn. I give it 5 stars. My inspiration knows who she is :D Should I make a sequel?


My inspiration knows who she is.. :D

CHAPTER 1

"Dewek, whewe ah you?" Meredith Shepherd babytalked. She often found ways to spice up their life through babble. In her arms, she held year-old Matthew- the spitting image of his father. They were amazed at the amount of hair on his head when he was born. He would one day be a sex god like his father.

"Mewedith? I'w be down soon" Babbled Derek Shepherd. In his arms, he held infant Lindsey- the spitting image of Addison, oddly enough. How that happened, no one is sure. Perhaps Addison is the real mother of the baby? We'll never know.

Derek almost tripped over Finn, their dog, as he was putingt Lindsey in her bubble-gum pink crib. Then he bounded down the stairs with the agility of a twelve-year-old. "Meredith!" He called as he entered the kitchen.

"Derek! Where's Lindsey??"  
"Don't worry, Meredith; she's in her crib for nap time. And it's probably time to put Matthew down as well. I can take him if you want."

"Oh good, Derek; that's actually why I called you down. I need to take care of the other children, so I was hoping you could take all the babies up to bed."

"Of course, Meredith. Just let me round them up…… CHRIS! JESS! MEGHAN! CLAIRE! SAM! KATY! KELSEY! EMILY! COME TO THE KITCHEN!"

In a matter of seconds, you could hear them. Baby babble was getting closer. Derek braced himself.

"Dadadadadadadadadadadadada Dada" was the incessant cry.

"Come here, babies. I love you!"

The babies jumped into Derek's arms. He almost dropped Meghan, but managed to get ahold of her foot as she was falling. "Whew, that was a close one! Almost dropped another one!"

"Oh Derek, you and your butterfingers" laughed Meredith Shepherd. "Ok, while you're putting the babies down, I'll make lunch for the older kids- ELLIE, ASHLEY, CAITLIN, MELANIE, KATIE, KATE, CAMERON, BRIDGET, GRACE, ANNA, KATHLEEN, PAIGE, NORAH- time for lunch!!"

These kids, all toddler through tween, came sulking into the kitchen. They were all picky eaters. Meredith met every single one of their demands though- homemade waffles with kiwi, grilled cheese sandwiches with home-churned cheese, pineapple and anchovy pizza, sliced cactus lightly salted, pickled pigs feet and sauerkraut, deep fat fried twinkies, and so on. By the time the last child was fed, it was nearly 6 o'clock. And then she had to feed Finn! Finn was a picky eater too. He only ate fresh sundried green peppers and mayonnaise. She took some green pepper slices and placed them under a UV lamp. After about an hour, it was ready! Boy, was Finn happy!!

"Oh shoot.. " Meredith thought aloud. "We were going to go get Derek registered to vote today.. Derek!"

Derek came into the room. "Yes, dear?"

"We forgot to go get registered!"

"Oh gosh, you're right.. Well I guess we'll have to go tomorrow. Any time before next month should be ok though. Just as long as I get to vote for Mitt Romney." Derek was suddenly very excited to be a republican. He used to think that it was a sin to vote, but has since had his eyes open after numerous letters to their bishop. Now he can't wait to officially be republican!!

"Derek, by this time tomorrow, we'll be a good Catholic Republican family. The pride of the nation. Maybe we should go on some pro-life walks or something? I'll work on organizing one." Meredith told Derek.

"Sounds fabulous, Babe. I can't wait to defend those babies with you!" Derek said, suddenly giddy.

CHAPTER 2

The next morning, Meredith got dressed to go register Derek. "Hmm.. what would the wife of a Catholic Republican wear? Oh I know!" Meredith threw on a turtleneck and a floor-length skirt (over a pair of shorts of course!)

Suddenly Meredith realized Derek was nowhere in sight. She began to wonder where Derek was.

"Hmm.." She thought aloud.

She looked upstairs, but Derek wasn't there. She looked in the bathrooms, but Derek wasn't there. She looked in the basement, but Derek wasn't there. She looked in the attic, but Derek wasn't there. Finally she checked the garage to see if his car was there. It wasn't.

"Hmm.. " She wondered again.

She put her oldest child, Barack, in charge. Then she grabbed the keys and stormed off in her own SUV. "Derek, if you're where I think you are, you're dead meat" She whispered to herself.

Meredith drove to the airport, boarded a plane to LA, and ordered a kosher meal. Halfway through the flight, she realized that if she was wrong her kids would be alone all night. "Oh well" She thought, "At least I'll have peace of mind."

She landed in LA and drove to the home of a former acquaintance. Addison Montgomery. She let out a bloodcurdling scream as she got close enough to see her husband in the window. He was kissing Addison Montgomery- his EX WIFE! She was so pissed.

She stormed in the house and took out her concealed shotgun (She was republican after all) and she shot up a storm in that house. She didn't aim for people of course, but she did aim for the cat figurines on the bookshelves. Oh man did those things explode.

"DEREK!" She shrieked.  
"It's not what it looks like!" He cried!

"Derek, if you care about our massive family at all, then you should come home with me and never see Addison again."  
"Ok, honey" He agreed.

Addison stood in the corner, looking sheepish, but beautiful. That was exactly why Meredith hated her- she could be beautiful with whatever mood. Ugh, bitch.

CHAPTER 3

It was an awkward flight home. Meredith and Derek made out the whole way, but neither of them could enjoy it. Derek kept picturing Addison, and Meredith kept picture Derek with Addison. It was not fun.

It was nearly 2 in the morning when Derek and Meredith got home. Luckily all of the kids were passed out cold from their sugar highs. Even Finn was belly up under the table.

"Derek, meet me upstairs in 10 minutes. We need to talk."

"I'll be there, darling."

Meredith glared as she trudged up the stairs. "How dare he talk to me that way" She muttered to herself.

She went up to her room and put on her sexiest lingerie to make him realize what he's missed and then sat on the bed waiting for him.

Derek came upstairs and his eyes nearly bugged out of his head. He had never seen his wife so beautiful or sexy before. His mouth began watering.

"Derek, put your fucking tongue back in your mouth. We have to talk." She scolded.

"Fine, fine…" He sighed.

"Derek, I love you, but you cheated on me."  
"Meredith, Addison seduced me. Yes, I love her, but not in the same way… She's like cherry pie, while you're like chocolate praline crunch. You have cherry pie when it's available to you, but chocolate praline crunch is ALWAYS the best, most beautiful, most delicious, easiest, sexiest, warmest dessert ever. You'll always be first."

"Oh Derek, I don't know what you just said.. But it was beautiful. You touched my soul."  
"I'm just trying to make myself worthy of your love. You are the light of my life. I love you like I love cake or pie." Derek gushed.

Slowly, Derek began crying. The tears poured down his face and he didn't hold back at all. After a few short seconds, he was painfully sobbing in Meredith's lap.

"There, there, Derek sweetie, it'll be ok." She comforted.  
"No it won't. I'll never make it up to you!"

"Derek, I know what might make you feel better…" Meredith said slowly..  
"Yeah? What?" Derek cried.

"What if.. we … had.. another.. baby!?" Meredith dragged out.

"Do you really mean it??"  
"With all my heart." Meredith whispered.

"Oh Meredith!" Derek screamed.

"Oh Derek!" Meredith screamed back.

Meredith threw Derek down on the bed and tore his clothes off-literally. Limbs flew EVERYWHERE! She could tell that he was VERY happy to see her. She bent down and ticked him with her luscious tongue. He giggled like a child. After some scandalous foreplay, Derek was giving her the best orgasm of her life. He went in and out for nearly 2 hours before finally exploding in her. She had never felt anything like that before. Usually sex with Derek was painful for her because of his size, but she made it work this time.

The reason Derek and Meredith had so many kids was because they used Natural Family Planning instead of contraceptives. She was told that sex was ok at any time of the month except for a matter of four days. Turns out, she ovulates almost constantly! At least that's the only reason they can come up with. But the Catholic church thrives on big families, so she was doing her part for God. Her body was getting worn out from the constant pregnancy, but abortion was out of the question. She'd just have to live with her stretched out pregnancy body.

CHAPTER 4

Nine months and 4000 diapers later, Meredith was ready to give birth to another baby. The ones she already had at home were beside themselves with joy! What could possibly be better than a new sibling?? Nothing!

Meredith was in the hospital bed, preparing to give birth when she realized that both her husband, and her OB-GYN were AWOL. "Hmm… do you think I should be suspicious considering my OB-GYN is Addison Montgomery?" She asked her oldest child, Barack.

"Mom, yes, you probably should. You know how horny dad gets in hospitals." Barack answered her.

Meredith began crying. She was almost ready to burst, and her husband was missing. What would she do. I guess she'd have to go through this alone. One of the new medical interns, Lizzie Zeflin, was put in charge of Meredith Shepherd. "Oh great," thought Lizzie, "Another fucking dumbass who couldn't get an abortion." Lizzie was a liberal democrat and therefore "loved" to kill babies, or so everyone told her. She put those thoughts out of her head for once when she realized why this woman was so familiar.

"Hey! I know you! You're Meredith Grey!"

"Not anymore, doctor." Said Meredith, preparing to give birth.

"No, you are! You were on Grey's Anatomy!" Lizzie insisted.

"No! That show was cancelled years ago. I'm not Meredith GREY anymore. I'm Meredith Shepherd. Check your fucking charts." Meredith roared.

"No way! You married McDreamy?? How did that work out??" Lizzie was suddenly starry-eyed with respect.

"That dumbass dumped Rose, married me, filled my house with children, and is now probably off screwing his ex-wife." Meredith cried.

"Oh wow, what an amazing life." Lizzie said in awe.

"Just go find him!!" Meredith shrieked. The baby was close.

Lizzie, fearful, runs out of the room. "If I were Dr. McDreamy screwing Addison, where would I be?" She wondered. "Oh! The on-call room! Of course! I've seen enough episodes of Grey's Anatomy to know that's where all the screwing happens!" She ran to the on-call room. And sure enough, the animal noises she heard were enough to prove her suspicions.

She bravely opened the door, not knowing what was waiting on the other side. "Derek Christopher Shepherd! Get off of her!"

"Hold on! Almost done!" With one last thrust, Derek yelled Addison's name, and then slowly climbed off the bed. "Ok, now, what did you want?"

Lizzie was shocked. She was finally seeing everything that they couldn't show on TV. She was speechless, and she wasn't sure if it had to do with seeing Gorgeous McDreamy have an orgasm, or if it was the embarrassment of walking in on him having an orgasm. She gathered his thoughts and spoke strongly "Derek, your wife is waiting for you, and by now your daughter probably is too."

"Oh shit." Derek closed his eyes. "I forgot about her. Fuck." Derek then pulled on his boxers and ran out of the room.

"YOUR PANTS!" Meredith yelled.

Derek ran back and put them on as fast as he could.

He reached Meredith's room just in time to see his daughter emerging. He was in awe. He decided that he must name her Lizzie Zeflin Shepherd in honor of the young intern who brought him back in time to see her birth. Lizzie was honored and asked Derek for his autograph. He gave it to her by means of signing the medical papers.

EPILOGUE

Intern Lizzie Zeflin became an asset in the Shepherd home. Even though she hates kids, she was asked to become their new nanny. Lizzie was still in awe of seeing Derek naked that she agreed without thinking it over. She spent every single day in the Shepherd home thinking of ways to seduce Derek, but never succeeding. She fed the kids, bathed them, played with them, and put them to bed. She was a proud stand-in parent for these kids of double digits.

Meanwhile, Derek still craved cherry pie every now and then, but only filled his cravings once a month as per the contract between him and Meredith. Since Derek had everything he wanted, Meredith was allowed to find a "mistress." She looked up "Dirty Mistress" in the phonebook and found a man by the name of Mark Sloan. And man was he hot. She now had everything she wanted too. Life was good, and Lizzie was forever in love with Derek Christopher Shepherd.


End file.
